Murphy's Law is a sucky law!

You ever have one of those days that, if something CAN go wrong, it WILL?  They call them Murphy's Law days?  Yeah, count me in as one of the probably thousands of people in America having one today.  Seriously, it's true!  It all started when I couldn't sleep around 3AM.  I woke up to go to the bathroom, and the dog wanted out.  So, I let him out, and in the midst of shutting the sliding door back up, I somehow managed to squish my big toe in between the door and the wall.  Then, the God forsaken dog took forever out there.  Why couldn't he just go out, pee, poop, whatever, and then come back in?  Noooo, he has to frolic in the moon light while I'm lying on the couch dead tired.  So, eventually he DID come in, and I go back to bed, only to wake up less than 2 hours later, not able to sleep anymore.  So, I get up.  Once again, I let the dog outside.  This time, I look up and what do I see?  A nice, big, fat full moon!  And you know what came out of my mouth?  "Aw, CRAP!"  Yeah, a full moon is a teacher's worst nightmare.  I used to laugh at my mom when I was younger because she would tell me that a full moon always made children and old people act all weird.  Um, yeah....I'm not laughing anymore.  It's completely true.  The kids DO act all crazy when there's a full moon out!  And once again, my mom has proven herself right!!!  Even from beyond, she's still correcting me ;)  Then, it's just been a myriad of wrong doings from then on out.  Like I said, if it CAN go wrong, it WILL!  I think I may need a couple of glasses of wine tonight to relax....

Ding Dong, the witch is gone, the Bachelor Witch, the Witchy Witch...

Ding Dong, the Bachelor Witch is gooonnnnneee!  It's about damn time, Brad 2.0!  You've had all of America wondering why you hadn't canned Michelle's touckus weeks ago, but last night you revealed just WHY you kept the woman around.  While all of us were hearing the Psycho shower scene theme song whenever you were with Michelle, the only thing you were hearing was the hum of your boner that you were getting from her.  You revealed on national television that the only thing you had with her was extreme sexual attraction.  And you put emphasis on EXTREEEEME.  "Uh, yeah...I may have thought you were the biggest bitch on the face of the planet, but DAYUM!  Your rack is huge and your body is smokin', so I kept your annoying butt around for a while.  At least until I got to roll around on the beach with you like a porn star!"  So, yeah.  I'm not going to lie.  I'm addicted to the Bachelor, and I'm glad Michelle is gone.  Or, shall I say "Senorita Psychopath!"  My prediction right now is that he's going to end up with Chantel N, the administration assistant from Washington.  He's too creeped out by death to be with Shawntel O.  Emily's kid is going to be scared shitless of him, and she's going to say no thank you to him, and the dentist....well, he MAY have a chance with her.  She's SEEMS kind of normal.  Aw, hell....who am I kidding?  No one that goes on national television to "find love" is normal.  But, if I had to say, she's the most normal out of the 4 of them.  So, ok, I change my prediction.  It's BETWEEN Chantel O and the dentist.

LOL, I was looking at the suspension list the other day.  Now, granted....I teach children who have abnormal names.  But this one?  This one in particular stood out when I saw it.  I'm not going to say first what it was that stood out.  The name was, get this:  Areola.  Um, hellOOOOO, did you NOT know your body parts when you were giving birth and naming your daughter?  This poor child...no wonder she's getting suspended!  Her mommy named her after a boob part!  That would be like me naming either Brownie or Blondie something like Uvula!  Come on, now....there's GOT to be SOME sort of common sense in that brain of yours to think of something other than Areola!  I need a ghetto name.  Any suggestions?

Dear Butt---

Please get yourself motivated today, because frankly, my dear, I could give a damn.  I always loved that movie.  Long as all get out, but it was still great.  Ah, to be Scarlett O'Hara. I'd have all the ammenities at my beck and call, and a hot military officer swooning over me.  That's the life!  Instead, I have to work my ass off to pay for my mediocre, yet, comfortable home.  Don't get me wrong!  Please, because I love my life.  I do.  It's just that...oh, come on...you know you've dreamed it too!  Haven't you ever wanted to just be that person, kinda like Paris Hilton or one of the Kardashians, that are filfthy stinking rich, but don't have to work an ounce for what they have?  You know you have!  We all have.  We've all dreamt of being able to go to some high end store and buy whatever you want.....but instead, we're the Viviennes (via "Pretty Woman" fame) of the world.  We go in there and the staff look at us like we're wearing rags and cardboard shoes.  On a side note, I'm sure that cardboard shoes are pretty comfortable, though.)  A girl can dream, but reality is that I have to work.  JB has to work.  And likely, my children will have to work when they grow up.  I guess it builds character.  I didn't have everything handed to me growing up.  Neither did JB.  We had to work for whatever we got.  I guess, just get over it, huh?  It's not going to change.  I'm not going to wake up in the morning and realize that I've won $50 million in the lottery.  Wouldn't it be nice, though?  To be a Kardashian?  Think about it...what do they do?  They have people who cook for them.  They have people who clean for them.  They have people who take care of their money for them.  They have PUBLICISTS!  What in God's creation would I do if I had a publicist?  Oh, the drama I could create!  To be able to just go to the mall, and go to the Coach store and have your pick of hand bags?  THAT right there would be worth it for me!  Damn!  Instead, I stand outside the store, looking in through the windows.  I'm drooling like a St. Benard in heat over the handbags.  They're so well within my reach, but yet so far away.  It's like a long lost lover that you yearn for but can never have.  If I were a Kardashian, I could buy the whole damn store!  Take that, you uppity snotty bitch clerk!  I'm a Kardashian, damnit.  If I say I want every damn back in the store, I will get every damn bag in the store, and you can't stop me!  I need a Kardashian name.....Kandy.  That's it! From now on, I will no longer be known as M.  I shall forth be known as Kandy Kardashian.  The long lost sister of Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe. :D  YAY ME! 

Cold coffee and even colder mornings

Can there actually be rednecks in the city?  No, seriously, can there?  The reason I ask, is because today, when I went to the gas station to get me some decaf coffee (yes, I'm trying not to drink any caffeine.....I had a blood pressure scare at the doctor, and now I'm retardedly obsessed with making sure it's kept down) I saw something that took me by complete surprise.  I walk in, and head over toward the coffee station.  And there, standing before me, in full out redneck style, was this woman!  She was, oh, I'd say, about 30.  She was standing in front of me, making her coffee.  And now you ask, "So why is that redneck-y?"  Well, she was dressed to the nine in tye-dye slippers, a pair of Valentine's Day socks, a calf length white nightie with little flowers on it, and a robe!  YES!  In the middle of a city, there's a woman getting herself some extra caffeine coffee.  I just kinda shake my head and go about my business.  I meet up again with her at the mixing station, you know-where you can put creamers and what no into your coffee.  I'm just there to get a lid, but here I see her put her purse up on the counter, open it wide, and then grab two giant handfuls of Amaretto and cream de menthe creamers, and throw them into her purse.  TO WHICH, when she saw me seeing her do so, she turns to me and says:  get this......."I'm having some friends over this morning for coffee."  I just smile at her with the "what the fuck are you, an alien?" look on my face, I'm sure, and do the whole head nod and "oh" that aptly goes along with it.  Then, I leave and go up to the register, pay my $1.49 for my large decaf, and proceed out the door.  As I'm walking out, I hear her say to the lady at the register, "I'll take three packs of marlboro light, menthols."  Again, I just shake my head and walk away....I guess she really needed her cafeinne and nicotine fix this morning, to go out in public looking like the mom from Married with Children.  God help her children......I could only imagine. 

BLESS YOUR HEART

I heard this great quote today from my friend Courtney (check out her blog at http://patienceprogressperseverance.blogspot.com/ )  "You don't have to be hateful.  You just have to say 'bless your heart' instead."  This is a great thing that came almost at the most opportune moment.  I had a REALLY hard time this afternoon.  I'l spare you the details, but it was just really difficult.  Having to deal with certain people just make me crazy.I really contemplated saying something to this person, but then I got on Facebook and saw this post from Court.  Like I said, it'ls coming at the most opportune moment that it could.  SO.....needless to say, I'm going to sounding a lot like a southern belle from now on!  Piss me off?  "Bless Your Heart!"  Cut me off in traffic?  "Well, Bless your heart!" (I can't promise there won't be a rather unkind gesture to accompany that one.)  Have a student tell me to F*** off?  "Well, thank you Shenaynay.  Bless your little heart!"  The snow plow man just plowed all the snow into my driveway?  "Oh my!  Bless your cold, black heart" 

It's like crystal meth....you can't stop it.

 There are some REALLy weird chicks on the Bachelor this season.  REALLY WEIRD.....let's delve into Brad Womack 2.0's season of the Bachelor, and see what sort of weird upcommings there are.  And please, read my disclaimer before reading on:

**If you are, by chance, a complete and utter moron, and you have a sad and unhealthy obsession over either Brad 2.0 or any of the girls on the Bachelor, it's best you stop reading now.  Should you choose to continue, please don't go leaving me hate mail on my comments, because I could care less.  It will just get deleted and left out of my life, as you are with anyone else in your sad lonely life.  Thank you. **

Weird Act #1:    <-----She's a dentist.  Now.....would YOU allow this woman to give you a root canal when you've just seen her swap spit with a virtual stranger on national television?  Um, thanks so much, but I think I'll go for the ugly old guy over there for my dental issues. 


Weird Act #2:This woman, Melissa, vs this woman, Raichel.
                      TWO episodes in, these women were fighting like cats and dogs over 2.0!  Seriously, they were getting in each other's faces, and talking smack.  They kept interrupting each other's 1:1 time with 2.0  What a way to show yourself to the country.  "He's MY man!  I've known him longer than you have!  You've only known him five minutes.  I've known him SIX!"  Puh-leeeeze.....2.0 sooo isn't worth it. 




Weird Act #3:  Team 2.0 or Team Edward??   <----this chick has fangs.  Enough said.




Weird Act #4:   <------this chick plays with dead people.  I'm not so sure about marrying a person who plays with dead people.  That's some sort of nasty, gross, and disturbing nightmare type movie right there. 



Weird Act#5:  And last, but definitely not least, we have 2.0 himself!    He left 2 chicks standing there with their mouths wide open the LAST time he was on the show.  Then he received three years of intensive bitch slapping, no dating, harrassment from the women of the United States.  And ABC goes and lets him try again?  They must be looking for ratings.  Shame on you, ABC....shame on you.  Let Brad 2.0 live his life of lonliness and reclusion.  He deserves it. 




So, there you go.  There's my run down on the Brad Womack 2.0 season.  Let's see how it plays out.

Later Days!

Breakfast burritos are the DEVIL!

I have decided that Ricky Gervais is, indeed and by far, the most GENIUS man on the face of the planet!  I was watching him on Ellen yesterday, and she was talking to him about all the weight he's lost in the past year.  She mentioned to him how it must have been difficult.  And do you know what his response was?  Wait for it.....wait for it....he said, and I quote, "It wasn't hard.  It was boring."  How epiphoniacal is that????  Why did I never look at it that way?  I've always told myself that dieting was hard.  But, Ricky Gervais is right!  It's not!  It really isn't!  It's just boring!  How come it takes a virtually unknown celebrity to make me realize this?  Wow....It has stuck with me since the moment he said.  He also said, "Who wants to get on that exercise machine and sweat your ass off, when you can sit on it and eat a tube of Pringles?  Of course not, but it's like going to work.  You do it because you have to.  Not because you want to."  Dang, Gervais!  You're a freakin' GENIUS!  And so, because of that, today's post is dedicated to you!  Live long and prosper, Gervais.  Live long and prosper.

I have this posted on my fridge.  So, everytime I go to get in the fridge, whether it's to start cooking dinner, or because I'm bored or hungry....this is the last thing I look at before I try to grab it.  It may sound strange to you, but to me, it's a tiny motivator.  It automatically starts that little devil/angel on the shoulder fight that will argue and fight against the evils of fat and whale-ness.  So, when I get that urge to go through the McDonald's (DAMN YOU, Ronald!) for those oh-so-tasty breakfast burritos with hot picante sauce, before I even get to the turn, I hear the little angel on my shoulder saying, "M....let us not forget about that little black dress you're trying to get into!!  Let us not forget the reason we aren't going to eat those temptuous, yet devil's food.  If you make that turn, you're also making one hell of a cluster fuck up."  Ok, so maybe an angel won't say cluster fuck.  Well, maybe not YOUR angel.  Mine does.  Mine's a liberated angel who knows that a cuss word doesn't mean she will lose her Godly wings.  So, there! 

I have another troubadour in my quest.  She shall forth known as "Roomie."  Roomie is an old and dear friend of mine.  She is, also, on a quest to look less like an animal and more like a hot chick.  Much like my Anti-Whale quest, Roomie's on an Anti-Cow like quest.  We also have similar goals.  As everyone knows, mine is to get into that LBD.  Roomie's is to get into a pair of skinny jeans.  So, she's going to follow me and work with Computer Girl and I on our quests to be less than we are---in every literal sense of the word.  LOL  So, follow us and our trials and tribulations.  Join us in our gripes and groans, and laugh at our mishaps and missteps.  It's ok.  We have a lot of fat.  It'll just bounce off of us and go back onto you.  LOL! 

Later Days!